I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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