Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
