btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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