I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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