Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize