turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
