I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
