I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
