I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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