My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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