I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
