third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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