y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
