i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm too high and old for this...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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