I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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