I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think i got beer on your cat.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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