shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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