I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
