She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
