I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
