I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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