Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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