Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
