I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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