Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
