Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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