So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
