She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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