I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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