so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
