turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
