The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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