i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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