I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
