i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
