I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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