WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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