I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize