Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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