WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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