Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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