I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
