You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
