i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
