This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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