yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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