so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
