the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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