New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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