I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
