I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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