you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
