it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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