ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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