they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
