i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
