This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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