Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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