Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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