her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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