I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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