my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I need a beard to bite.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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