New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
